journal-11/16/98

Finally, back on track!

For all of those who didn't know, I changed servers for my webpage. It was for strictly personal reasons, and I think it's definitely for the best. I just felt that the one thing I truly enjoy doing on the web shouldn't be taken away from me. For those of you who emailed me, concerned as to why my page was down, thank you for your concern. I really appreciate it!

At this point, I could go into this big long explanation of exactly what happened, but this is not the time.

I'm at a transition in my life right now, and I feel like I've sort of been in limbo for the past 7 months, ever since graduation. People are continuously surprised (including the woman at the student loan office at Vanderbilt, damn those people) that I don't have a high-paying power job after graduating from "such a great school." Well, here's news people, but not everyone in this world is a kiss-ass. I'm just getting tired of people using where I went to school as an excuse to bug me about why I'm not doing something better with myself right now. I'm really not the smartest person in the world. Not even close. I really just needed some time to myself, to figure out where I was going, where I'd been, and where I'm standing right now. I was sick of school, so the grad school route wouldn't have been good for me to take right away (although that is in the near future, near meaning within a few years). And, since I was sick of school, I didn't want to jump right into teaching. My original plan to move to Boston and work for the airlines when I graduated fell through in late April, and ever since then, I've just been sort of lost.

Trying to get my bearings.

It's my first time flying solo. There are small groups of people on the ground, holding hands or their hearts, squinting up at me, distantly and painfully watching me try to keep my balance as I madly flap my wings.

And right now, I'm just trying to remember what all of the cockpit controls do. And which way is up. There are so many buttons, you know.

I'm scrambling around, trying anything and everything to get to where I want to go. In the meantime, I've been trying to figure out exactly where I want to go. It's sort of a tough call. If I could have done all of this soul searching without working, I woud have. But my parents are too busy having fun playing with their new house (and oh, let's just not even mention the fact that we'd all drive each other crazy if I went back to live there) to support me while I figure out what the hell to do with myself. I had hit a dead end in Dallas. I was feeling adventurous, so I flew the coup and tried something new. And now here I go again, ready to turn around and try my wings once more........

My friend Shannon warned me that the first year after graduation would be a traumatic adjustment. I heard her, but I didn't really listen to her. And of course I should have. But, I have to do things the hard way, remember?

Life is like Flaubert's Parrot. It runs you through the coals, it sends you flying high in the sky, and every day is a new and at times painful chapter added to the journey. Those who choose to live it are drawn in, confronted with the need for more.

Those who choose to escape are the ones who live vicariously through books (and I DO know someone like that-- she reads romance novels all the time and makes excuses as to why she hasn't even sent out any resumes yet), because books are easier and they give you the answers (just not the answers to your life)... or they turn to some other means...

I apologize, my brain is just smeared all over the place today.

Forgive me.

Today has been a strange day for me. It's my ex-best-friend's birthday. I say ex, because after a 10 year friendship, she flew the coup and decided we shouldn't talk anymore. Now, we had been growing apart for sometime, just going different directions with our lives, but I saw that as no reason not to at least keep in touch. There's nothing I can do, and sometimes I think of her and I get sad, because I miss her and wonder what she's doing. She's probably still hacking her way through law school and working. She's probably dating someone (she never goes too long without a boyfriend).

I just hope she has a good friend to turn to, when she needs one.

There's a part of me that will always love her. But I have let her go.

If you ever see this, A....... then happy birthday.

Funny how life goes, isn't it?

october,
and the trees are still bare
of all they wear
--and I don't care

october,
and kingdoms rise,
and kingdoms fall,
but you go on
--and on...

Not by me, but by U2. No it's not October, but the lyrics just seem to capture how I feel.

I've written a bunch of new poetry, and I'm hoping to post it this weekend. I'll let ya know.