journal-05/27/99

05/27/99

There are times when I feel like I have to write that very moment or it's gone forever. Actually, most times I write, that's how I feel. And then there are the times of desperation, when I truly need to just retreat into myself and swallow. Those are the times that, when I don't write or I am not able to write (no paper/pen, I'm at work and a kid is pulling my hair), I feel like a part of me dies. Maybe just a little bit, but there's something that happens and a part of me just shuts off. And I feel like it's a temporary shutting off, but it could become permanent if it happens too much.

And a little part of me does die.

It happened today.

We have a new student on our team at school. So we're up to 9 kids now. The max for any team is 10, but we were just as happy with 8. He's a very high-maintenance boy and I like him a lot already, but the other students don't like him much because he requires so much attention.

So.

This morning at the house getting ready for school... well, let's just say it was very stressful.

If I have to bottle it up inside because it's not an appropriate time to show my emotions-- to yell or bite someone's head off (or everyone's), to cry, to sit and stare across the room, but most importantly to write-- then it all builds up and comes out at an inappropriate time anyway.

I'm just kind of afraid that one day when I'm at work, tears will appear and I won't be able to stop it.

It's bound to happen one day. I'm just the emotional type. I have denied it long enough, but I've finally come to terms with it.

I still wonder if I'm cut out for this job.